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mh, kinda positive 

some days i wake up thinking wow, i'm still alive, and things are actually pretty good, better than i ever thought they could be for me, and that's kinda nice
teenage me would always roll her eyes at all those people talking about how "things will get better", but things actually did get better
(not by themselves though, it was a hard fight and i worry all the time that i'll mess up and everything will go back to terrible)

mh, kinda positive 

some things still seem impossible, but i guess it just needs time. like, it took me years to be able to do basic body contact again. just simple things like hugging friends. and i'm so glad i can have that again, because i realized i was so touch starved after over 15 years without it. and it was incredibly hard, and still is, and whenever i'm not doing well i still sometimes panic when someone reaches out to me, before realizing, no, this is good, they won't do me harm.

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mh 

other things still just don't work for me. i haven't cried in 17 years, because i was conditioned to not show any emotions (lest i wanted to be ruthlessly attacked for being weak). there seems to be no way for me to unblock it. whenever i really feel like crying, i go through all the motions, but you could never tell unless you know me really well. and i never get to feel better, because crying is kind of a venting thing, and i just can't do that. it sucks.

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mh 

@aurora I want to say something but have nothing to say
💚

mh 

@aurora what helped me: whenever i'd feel like crying, i tried to summon the tears, but also whenever i had tears in my eyes because of eye irritation, i tried to summon the despair, and at some point, both connected again.

grey's anatomy helped further from there on ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

💜💜💜

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